Early in my youth, I felt an inner pulling, a voice saying “go that way” when my friends and family were telling me to stay. Echoing within, the cry of a warrior – charging forward when I wanted to surrender. Fighting for his throne, a leader who saw victory without battle. Rantings of a prophet flowed through my veins and forecasted my every move. And, last and most powerful, the villain. Mr. Saboteur. His rhetoric tortured me at night, poking my brain with limiting beliefs, calling me naive for believing everything happened for me – mocking the affirmations I read in a book.
Something was stirring, aching to get out, beckoning and taunting me until, one day… I listened.
June 23, 2015 at 11:21 am PST / For the last year, I groomed this relationship like I would a dear friend but one who was controlling my air. It has become a partnership.
I stopped asking for a name. It’s too cliché, contrived. The wisdom and guidance I am receiving doesn’t deserve a name. It would be a punishment, a box. This could be the first time I accept something as it is… without needing to change or twist it, or convolute it.
The lofty and wordy incantations I once spoke with grand gestures befitting a Salem witch trial have been replaced with humorous banter and a lot of yelling, along with sentimental moments of divine gratitude. A call out for help is now, “hey you” or “hey buddy.”
I know this is me. I know I am chatting with a voice in my confused head. Yet, no matter how hard I try, I can not ignore it anymore. I’ve been shown a version of me who has everything I want. He is who I want to be, he is living his dreams. Instant lottery, all mine – but I have to want it.
The consulting idea that was spawned during last year’s dark period is a thriving design business, three celebrity clients, and five employees. I turned my life around like I knew I could but the cycles and patterns returned with a vengeance, spinning out of control, again. Mr. Saboteur is chiseling away at all of my hard work, the ticking of a bomb under my feet.
Just a few minutes ago, I went into meditation for some advice. I silently asked, “This is all too familiar to ignore. I am watching the crumbling taking place around me. Why is this happening?”
“You fool. It was flawed from the start. I sent signs, nudges, warnings and even screamed, ‘This is a bad idea!’ Still, you ignorantly repeated the patterns, making the same choices, one after another. The cycles spun faster, distancing you from your path, your Personal Truth, your purpose.”
“Clusters of lower conscious energy circled you, rings pulling in people with the same ill-fated beliefs. You sought advice and justification from those who were just as lost as you, even more so. Layers of like-minded focus compounded your physical reality, pushing you further beyond your limits. The voice of Guidance more distant, the weight of your untruths your cross. You strayed, and now, the hands of God are pulling you back.”
I asked, “So, what happens now?”
“It’ll be over soon enough.”
I didn’t like the sound of that, “What do you mean? Is something bad going to happen?”
“It’s time to let go of the old if you want new. This is the unchangeable part – purposeful order. You can join in, go along with the flow, but, most likely, you will fight against it. Either way, your next milestone is exactly the same.”
I was a fool – but this time, I will wear it like a badge of honor. No longer continuing the cycle of blinding myself to the impending annihilation, shrugging off the blatantly obvious comet that crashed down every four years. Today, I change the pattern and welcome it. No longer will I run and scream victim – holding the shield of blame. Futile is it to cling to the useless. Today, I release.
I brought my hands together and lowered my head. Fear and gratitude swirled in my chest, I spoke, “Whatever you put in front of me, with your help, your Guidance, I will find my way. Thank you…ummm, ummm…”
What may as well have been a snap in my reality, a psychotic break, I stuttered and continued, “ummm… who am I talking to any way?”
A gust of warm air blew the back of my neck. Silence followed by a piercing ding, my ears popped. I gasped for a breath, hearing, “I am Adam.”
And… with those three words we begin a new cycle.