12 Nights, 13 Days
The nights have been the hardest. At times the glow of the setting sun is all but absent because of the soaring ponderosa pine trees which block out any direct light. Yet, at different times of the days, the rays burst through a patchwork of nature’s beautifually knitted leaves. I live for this time each day.
I’ve worked everyday since I’ve been here, and this is work that has finally made me feel like a man, like my father did when I would look to him for guidance. I feel the strength coursing through my bruised, tender palms of my hands, the cuts and bruises on my body feel like an honor.
Working with John today made me feel like a child next this this younger by eight years, dude, that climded to the top of a 200′ pine tree, while my lenky battered frail in comparison body was his green hornet, but that would give me too much respect as a rookie because I floundered around John. Although, I stayed with him foot to step, I focused when he showed me how to tie knots, I burned into my memory that you never let the blade of a chainsaw hit the ground as he wheeled this enormas Hursgvana tree saw like I used a coffeemaker when I had one.
Letting go of that which we see is the problem, we then take a spiritual viewpoint to heighten our perspective so we can clearly see the shortest path.
I just finished installing my rope lights on the outside deck. It was just last night that I added one more found strand of these Dixie cup looking lights on my “man”-made twig chandelier. I lined up each twig so the form this intentional direction outward. Throughout my days I am just staring outwards, for hours at a time. Raking fields, trying to help organize this massive place with cabins full of stuff all over.
It is my personal organzing nightmare. I like everything is a particular place and that’s that. I enjoy working, and like to work hard but also smart. It is something I’ll work on, as deja vu is setting in again, when those whom consider themselves workers do not want to work or think while they are working. I like being around people who want to get the job done without too much talking, and screwing around. If I have to haul a sofa down the street with my hands because it will be faster, rather than someone taking an hour to get a truck – I will always take faster.
Our bodies are built to work. John and I discussed that, and I importantly, brought it up in front of Ruben his step-son. Because, I am so grateful for so much in my life, I mean than now more than ever. My family, my friends, and a couple that I have been in deep love.
It is not the fault that the men in my life thus far may not have been able to express the words that they meant, because now, with that insight from Adam, I felt what John was saying and what every wonderful father, father figure and elder that has imprinted their personal truths and beliefs on me.
The energy of being “man” and the brute strength that it comes with, it is not one of muscle – it is one of faith. And, now, another fun syncronicity from Adam is John. An entire course in one person.
John, at 38, is difficult for me to look at as younger than me, or that I am 6 years older than him. He is definitely much younger looking than me, especially with my gray white forming beard – yet lessons he has been through are etched into his body, his eyes, his deep voice that makes you a bit afraid to get the guy made at you.
I sit here tonight feeling a quarter of the man that John is, and I mean that just in the physical brute force “mentality” of this guy. He was unshakeable, 200′ in the air he would yell out commands and I still shook in my boots like he was standing right there.
And while he was in that tree, all I could do was to pray. Whatever it is that I connect to, and I love to say Adam because each day I get more and more surprises. I wanted to write “from him” but even as smooth as it for me to speak his name, at times, I am not sure what I am talking about until I sit down to write or I give someone some wise advice. Then, something takes over.
This evening I was trying to focus on my writing and when I did I stumbled all over the words and sentences. I can look away and forget about what I want to say and then Adam comes in and the words egin flowing like the creek.
As I’m not sure how long I’ll really be here, I’m trying to conserve money, even though I’m not doing a good job. Eating has become a costly expense, because I truly have no other luxuries, at the end of a long day – getting to shower and walk to the market and picking something out brings me a bit of normalcy. Shortly after I leave with my bag in hand for 2 mile walk, each way, it’s back to solitude. My barely habitable cabin, which I only use to sleep in because I like being outside. My backyard and deck have been where I live. Even though it’s only been two weeks, I can already feel the colder evenings coming in earlier. It’s nice because the bugs are gone and I’ll save money on Off Spary which doesn’t work anyway.
Will I be here two more weeks? Another month? My cell phone is surely due soon, I barely use it – that would be interesting to try… no cell phone?
When I left this morning and outside of my front door was a stack of stuff, blankets, pillows, rope lights, shirts. I laughed so hard beause Lisa brought some things over to help make my cabin more cozy.
Later on that afternoon we took a short break after cutting down the Madrone tree before heading over to big scary pine tree. When I came home, on my desk outside was some tea and a little note from Brian.
Could I use source to connect with peple express my desires then they would drop them off at my door in exchange, reciprocity, for a good day’s work – even of the spiritual kind?
While John and I talked, he shared a story about a woman that seemed to bewitch him as told by the glimmer in his eyes. She, herself, spoke to an Adam of sorts, it’s all the same thing, sharing things I already knew about John. He was a very, very old soul and his troubles were something he would overcome.
I knew I’d like John eventually talk to Adam but and that Adam’s advice would help John pave a way towards the home he hopes to provide for his family again, along with finally allowing himself to be the great, great brother in arms that climbs the tallest trees with absolute faith.