It’s starting to hit me, especially today, the circumstances and conditions which I presently find myself are not helping with this sense of being lost. I am living in a constant dream like state where I’m not really sure what is really real, I am afraid that one day I’ll start peeing off in the lawn just like my little buddy Elias, Joe and his wife Noah’s son, who makes all of this cooky stuff actually somewhat comprehensible. Alas, he left town yesterday for a couple weeks and I oddly feel his absence.
My days have been filled with gigantic country dogs charging at me, acting like it’s normal when being encroached upon by crazy looking chickens that run up to you like a dog when it’s master gets home and a variety of characters that run the gamut between Deliverance and A Wonderful Life.
Last night I had a powerful releasing of emotions which begins a needed period of healing, although unlike before, there are no comforts that I can turn to sooth me. Now, while I stare at this ramshackle cabin wondering how many days I will be here and what will I will turn into by the time I leave. The thought it now starting to enter my head that I can not run out of money while I am here or I would be stuck. How long will Adam drag this own out? This was his journey and I am here until he gives me the word.
I have already found a walking stick that I pick at with a stone to give it a design and sand it down to make it smooth. I walk with it as if it helps my blistered feet not pop under the constant galloping I do all day back and forth past these frightful cabins with nothing but a sense of hopelessness.
Throughout the day I am collecting interesting branches, pinecones, tree barks and whatever other materials to cover used broken down furniture, while constantly trying to decorate my cabin and yard with odds and ends I find while out on walks. The closet store doesn’t have much so I try to macgyver clever ways to make things work and, out of the corner of my eye on my right, I’m waiting for a light breeze to bring my twig and branch chandelier crashing down.
I’m in the middle of the practically nowhere with this feeling of being stranded, yet I am experiencing sensations that I have been here many times.
I breathe deep and somehow keep typing. I laugh and know it must be Adam giving me these words, providing me the warmth to focus and in a way, when the shadow of the flickering candle bounces of the rotten cabin wood, it’s like he’s here with me but I’m alone and I really need to be held right now.